The Pain in Pancreas

Help, Lord

Lord, save me from myself, my own self-absorbed thoughts, from my personal aspiration, from my personal hounds in the distance, from my need to please, from my quiet dissatisfaction, from my ever-intense loneliness, my primal fears of destruction, from my self-defeating actions, my darkness and my false diatribes, my lateral glances to idols, my past failures, regret, and self-guessing moments, my postmortems and predictable collapses. Save me from all that is only me and never you.

Some Things Just Are...

Some things just are...and perhaps all we can do is grieve those answers to prayers that we do not understand.  I know that for me, I have nearly driven my faith into the ground looking for the lesson from this horrid pain that has pierced me and taken up residence in my body, but what if there is no lesson other than the way of suffering?  What if pain is its own lesson?  What if God doesn't have a lesson for my pain, nor a purpose to all this suffering?  What if He doesn't care about insignificant people, which is what I have become?

-Suzi

I Need Jesus

I have been struggling with God lately.  That is the honest truth.  Disappointment clouds my vision of His attributes and I wear blinders fabricated of guilt.  I am responsible for neglecting God (that is hard to write, much less admit) and pursuits of His purposes for my life.  Yet, while I feel guilty, I keep finding myself seeking to use my pain as a scapegoat for my emptiness...and in an odd twist, I tend to place the blame on God.  As though it is His fault that I am overcome and can't deal with this pain, that he even lets me struggle with pain.  As though it is His fault I've neglected too many quiet times.  As though it is His fault that my prayer life has suffered.  As if He is to blame for the pieces and parts in my daily life that have grown overwhelming and disappointing and become problematic.  As if He is responsible for my unfulfilling obessions.  As if He has grown so angry with me and my ineptitude, my lack of loyalty and love for Him and for others at times.  I recognize my sickness and it seeks to overwhelm me.  And I fear that I've been quarantined, placed in a holding cell with a group of people who's prayers are heard but unworthy to be answered.  I need a Healer.  Someone compassionate.  Someone with resources enough to override the quarantine, to pull me out and to remedy all that ails me.  I need the very One I blame.  The One who forgives me even though I blame.  The One who loves me as a child of His.  I need Jesus.  Simply and completely.

-Suzi

June 19, 2005

In Psalms 55:1-6, I immediately pick up that David hurts deeply.  His soul is heavy; his spirit is at an all time low.  “Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest.”   Sometimes all of us wish for wings to fly away. It is a very human cry and it comes in moments of intense frustration, pain and weakness. David wanted the wings of a bird to carry him beyond the sunset, beyond life’s troubles, beyond broken hearts, beyond a tormented memory and unfaithful friends. Sometimes we feel this way. We wish we could fly away to a place beyond our circumstance, beyond the responsibility of trying to make a living, beyond the awareness of prejudice and injustice, beyond our mistakes and sins, heartaches and heartbreak. 
But, like David, we know that a change of venue will not give peace. Peace does not depend upon flight because we cannot get away from troubles. Troubles, like our shadows, follow us everywhere we go. David learned what we all must learn and that is that we do not need a new physical environment, but a new spiritual one. We do not need the wings of a dove, but the arms of a loving Father.

April 27, 2005

Behind my every action, every smile, every laugh is the ever present existence of pain that will not go.  It's not something I can ignore, not for more than a single moment.  When I open my eyes in the morning, it's there, when I close them at night, it's still there.  And if I get up in that long hollow part of night, most of the time that's the worst time of all.  Alone...dark...quiet, while so many people in this world long for just that...I hate it.  It seems at times that every minute of every day is dragged down and held back by the heavy anchor of pain.  I can't force my pain to be a tidy, shapely thing when it is a long messy network of tangled wires.  I am doing the best I can with it, but something like my pain may never work for good.  I try to write it out, vent and still be the happy person I used to be, seperate it when writing things out, but in my reality, it is one big jumbled mess of pain. My life is in seperate parts, my work, my family, my writing, church...but the hurting doesn't just happen when I am home alone, I can't just block out the pain and meditate on segments of my life (though I wish I could at times!)  It is all mixed together, and sadly, pain has become a constant companion to me.

-Suzi

Venting

OK...I have to vent.  I am trying everything I can think of and afford to do to find some help from this awful pain.  I got a name of a Psychologist who does hypnosis and biofeedback and imagery, and reportedly works really well with pain patients.  His office finally called me back( I called on Thursday and left message on machine)... I asked her (the receptionist) how much the doctor charged per hour and how many sessions would I need to start (like initial exam and then at least one therapy session where he could teach me a few things to try...) She (the receptionist) asked me for insurance information and wouldn't give me any other info (very vague at that)  They did call back...and no surprise- they don't take my insurance (I had this feeling)then I got the major brush off...I, again, asked how much he charged per hour because I was still interested in seeing if he could help me with some things like trying to warm my hands and feet, relax the spasm when I really hurt.  The girl said since they don't use my insurance that he basically won't see me.  I didn't ask for a self-pay cash reduction or anything... I simply wanted to know how much an hour/office visit.  My guess?  He charges way more than enough that he only is in practice half days.  Whatever the reason, it ticks me off that since I don't have the right insurance (whatever he carries), I am not worthy of even a consult or considering.  More than that, I am just tired beyond words.  I did ask God to throw open the doors I should go through in trying to end this pain, and slam the doors that aren't going to help.  Well, I see this as a slammed door...but only after I traveled down a path that seemed to be going somewhere with some help...only to end with a major road block.  Yes, I am frustrated!  Aggghhh!  I need some M & M's!!!

Suzi

Enough is enough

Dear Lord,

I don't understand something and it's really bugging me. They say that You don't give anything more that what I can bear--I've been in pain for so long, I have forgotten what it is like NOT to hurt.  And now...more pain?!  I am sorry, but this is too much...have you got the right person??  I am just soo tired.  Don't I have enough pain as it is?  My legs ache at night, my salivary glands hurt and I am losing my nails.  Let's throw in hair loss, nausea and gluten problems just to make things interesting!  Enough is enough...I am tired, Lord, so very, very tired.  I can't sleep-Motrin and Vicodin don't even begin to cut away at the pain.  Insurance...what a laugh-I have it,but what does it cover?  Nothing.  Money? Nope, you know we spent it all on what insurance wouldn't cover and we are still paying.  My doctor has given up on my pain.  The hospital is as scared of me as I am of them.  I'm so tired, God.  I am not you, I can't-I don't even want to imagine how you hurt when you took on my sins onto Yourself along with the rest of mankind.  I am not that strong, Lord...I want to give up... Could you give me some form of relief?

-Suzi

Asking Hard Questions

In reading the book of Job...I am convicted, confronted and realize I am so very weak.  Job could not simply settle for the long-accepted religious answers whey did not make sense with his experience.  When the atrocites of his physical condition worsened and the taunting of his comforters seemed never ending, he chose to take both his experience and and his questions and agrue them before God.  That isn't me.  I run the other way, I don't confront.  Oh, but I get angry at times...questioning God and what His purpose is for me...for the pain...and for having to deal with it for this long.  Even in the midst of his pain and confusion and despair, even under the silence of heaven, Job never trifled with the hopelessness of shutting God out.  Okay, well...I have.  I have sunk into hopelessness so many times, and I have nearly given up since there has been silence (aka no healing)  For whatever he did not understand about what was happening to him and God had let it happen, he still trusted God enough to say, "Though he slay me, yet I will hope in him."  (Job 13:15)  How I want to be like Job...and yet, I am afraid to really be like Job.  I think I have lost so much already.  After reading what Job went thru...I feel so weak that I am mad and angry and questioning God.  God, this furnace is really getting hot! 

-Suzi 

February 27, 2005

Lately, I've been sailing-sailing somewhere between Cancun and Isla Mujeres.  The waves gently rock the boat beneath the perfect blue sky, below is the bluer ocean with bright tropical fish.  I feel the warm wind blowing gently on my face-the salty humidiity, the "ocean" clean smell fills my nostrils, the hot sun warming my bones.  I am so absorbed in the moment-trying to shut out the pain.  I am attempting to capture the moment, to "recharge my battery".

My problems are certainly no more or less important than anyone else's.  I never ceased to be amazed and stunned at the ferociousness of issues I face constantly.  Issues with our health insurance on what they will and won't cover, medical help (promised, but never delivered) discussions to persue legal action, and my reasons for not doing it are wearing me down more everyday.  The constant nauseous feeling along with a knife stabbing me, trying to be pleasant when I really am close to snapping...I know it is true that everyone, not just pain people, must deal with gnats in the air and bumps in the road, but it is far different though, when tackling those issues through a veil of pain.

Which brings me back to my "escape thoughts" and its simplicity.  I can almost feel the sand between my toes, I am warm and sun-soaked stretched out on the boat.  It comforts me, the boat, the waves lapping against the boat, the sound of the ocean crashing along the beach.  The hot sun pours down on my pain, offering a sort of healing.  Oh, I am so totally warm and relaxed... But the sand and sun can't heal me completely, as good as the heat feels in my mind.  It can only offer an "escape" from my reality, which will have to be enough for now.

Love

You must be fearless in love. People can only love you to the extent of their own capability to love. But their lack should not prevent you from loving with your whole heart.

You have been hurt so much in the past, cast aside by so many, and the temptation is to build a great wall around you, but that is not the way. That is not why you are here. If you do that, the enemy will have a wondrous victory. Open your heart. He who hurts you, hurts me, and I'll handle that. You must only love.

I do not say love as a fool, always casting pearls before swine. I have given you eyes, ears, and discernment. But love as I have taught to you to love: Love others as you love yourself, and love yourself as I love you.

"For I know what I have planned for you,' says the Lord. 'I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you a future filled with hope. When you call out to me and come to me in prayer, I will hear your prayers. When you seek me in prayer and worship, you will find me available to you. If you seek me with all your heart and soul, I will make myself available to you,' says the Lord..." Jeremiah 29:11-13a

-Suzi