The Pain in Pancreas

Becoming...

I haven’t always been the person

I am becoming now. 

I was quiet for a long time. 

Too quiet.

And I got to a point where I started to

believe I didn’t have a voice.

It’s a suffocating feeling

to want to hide who I was,

how I felt, even how much pain I was in

from the rest of the world.

And when I started to change,

dealing and coping with my pain

not everyone was eager to see what I was trying to say. 

Maybe it was partly my own fault.

People who had known me for years were seeing

a different girl ~

a struggling girl,

honest,

hurting,

introspective,

changing slowly,

wanting to speak about things that mattered  to her,                                                 

not play games to hide her heart.

There were people and relationships

I had to leave, realizing how unhealthy

and unbalanced they were.

And there were others,

people who turned away from me,

once they saw I wasn’t just a face,

just a patient,

some lifeless person

that would tolerate the pain...quietly... any longer.

But the friends that stuck around,

and the friends who keep in touch,

who have chosen to know and spend time with me,

they are the ones who display true acceptance

for the person I was, I am, and will become. 

It’s part of that overused notion: “unconditional,”  but it’s true.

 

Nothing that breathes is constant.

Everything changes us somehow,

and so it is  living with pain,

becoming more and more true to myself on the inside

that the world was meant to see all along.

-Suzi

Finding my poetry side again...

Lord Undo Me

Lord Undo Me

   I don’t really worship these day
   I don’t really stand up to praise you with songs
   Or prayers or actions
   or with anything
   I am full of all the right moves
   I am full of all the right words
   I am full of all the right religion
   But it is all just illusion
   I am really
   Lonely
   Lost
   Calloused
   Jaded
   Cynical
   Too religious
   Too realistic
   and well, really just hurting
   to worship anymore
   I have lost my first love
   I have lost the joy of Your presence
   But most of all I have lost the fear of Your glory
   
   God I need to see you again
   Like Isaiah I want to stand in awe of Your glory
   To fall down at Your feet
   To come face to face with Your
   Perfection,
   Radiance,
   Goodness,
   Holiness,
   Awesomeness
   I want to stand before You and see You for who You are
   and me for who I am
   I want to be undone
   
   I want to know me for who I really am
   I want to see the depths of my heart
   And know that You are the only way
   You are the only truth
   You are the only life
   I want to see me and understand
   What it really must have taken for You to
   Love me
   Care for me
   See me
   Speak to me
   Want me
   Communicate with me
   Die for me
   
   Lord, I want to stand in that place where all I can see is Your glory
   And my sin
   Because in that place I can’t help but worship You.
   Lord let me come undone
   Undo my heart
   Lord, undo my heart
   break down these walls that I love so much
   No, wait--don't,
   I’m scared I don’t know if I can handle this
   But I can’t live this way anymore
   I can’t stand here in this half-life
   this going through the motions life
   this not really alive life
   Father, I need you so come and in and do what you must
   Cut out the tumor on my heart
   Break down the walls that I love
   Lord let me come undone
   Undo my heart
   let me worship you again

October 31, 2005

Dragging my soul

through a portal

of a time not yet

fully understood,

where memories

and realities drip

from a fountain

formed with my tears

from the unrelenting pain.

Smile have faded

and the twinkle

of my tired eyes

have long dimmed

as the world slowly

turns into colorless

hues of gray and black,

leaving my dreams lost

and my back against the wall.

There is no light

at the end of this tunnel

And no silver lining to be found.

In the dark clouds above,

hope is a kind word

spoken by friends

that haven't a clue

as the night falls

in silent desperation.

May 09, 2005

Stand sure-listen to your heart

its whisper can speak louder

than rolling thunder.

Stand sure-treasure your friends

lives we touch are as important

as those that touch ours.

Stand sure-let yourself be loved

a heart half used can be worse

than one not used at all.

-Suzi

I have to smile...and I wonder how many other Moms had a Mother's Day like mine.  At first I thought "This isn't fair! This is suppose to be MY day to be treated like a queen."  But I soon realized that I have so much to be thankful for, thankful for even having to clean out the 'barf bucket' for the umpteenth time.  For I can hug and hold my children and they are healthy (with the exception of the stomach bug occasionally)  They bring laughter and joy, craziness and insanity, but I would be so very empty without it! I also got the joy of having my Mom (and Dad) over for lunch. 

The best gifts in the world can't be bought.  And the realization that I am blessed beyond measure while in that moment makes the gift priceless.  Barf Bucket and all, I had a very blessed Mother's Day.  -Suzi   

This is me

Ash blonde hair

Blanketing a befuddled mind

Feverish happiness

Smothered by saddened eyes

Anxious about tomorrow

Well aware of yesterday

Living for Him.

A friend

A lover

A mother

A sister

A daughter

A devoted soul

Far from perfection

But always aiming to please

Emotional and sincere

Always seeking the truth

I will hear your cry when you need someone

And wipe away your tears

I will smile when your joy

Glitters in your eyes

I will hold your hand when you fear

the fury of the storm

I will be here for you unconditionally.

Always seeking more answers

Never want to ask too much of others

Always being me

Always.

Suzi

I wrote this in just a few minutes...off the top of my head, and this time I am not even going to "sit on it" for awhile...I am just going to post it in the raw.

April 16, 2005

They are blinded by their fame

Unable to see my pain

The hurt I hide so well

Until it comes out

In ways I cannot control

They are blind to my pain

I hurt when they see me hurt as I do-

I cry and grieve and feel too...

Yet somehow, someway

I expect me to be

Extraordinary

Have this magical ability

to hide this pain

Without breaking

They don't want to really see

How I really feel inside

I don't even like me

How can they even want to be near me?

Suzi

April 13, 2005

Sometimes I wonder

on days such as this

if perhaps the very things

I fight too hard against

are the very things

beat me down, human things

that nonetheless eludes my attempts

to articulate, speech a means of

poor interpretation, inadequate verbal link

as to how I feel, somehow lost in the translation

My words crossing the distance

between mouth and ear

mere shadows of what they were

meant to convey, isolated fragments

lending its pieces to the puzzled looks

across the very faces of those

I wanted most to understand

Sometimes made harder by own

reluctance to reach a little further

within myself, because I know

somethings can never be said.

No matter how heavy the burden of

my hearts confinement,

camouflaged as small talk

with "please don't leave me" hidden underneath.

Suzi

Smile

This smile is not for all others

it is for sadness

that at times smothers

It's a reflection

so my heart and soul

can make a connection

It's not the smile of a fool

it is a positive coping tool.

-Suzi

A Prayer

Lord God, Creator and Father, Glory be to Thy name. I come into they presence humbly. Father, my pain has become constant and hard to bear. My body is a traitor to my will, and my spirit. I know that You can heal me with a mere thought, and though I would be whole again, I ask not that You take away my cross, but rather that You give me the strength and courage to endure it without complaint, anger or bitterness that those I meet who suffer will see that even the worse pain and disappointment can be endured with Your grace. I ask that You use my pain to keep me humble and mindful of the suffering that Jesus endured to set me free from the sin that had gripped my life. I ask that all who know me may see by my humble example that a broken body does not mean a broken spirit, or even more important, that a whole body does not mean a perfect spirit. I plead that I may be an example of what can be done with a life that is less than perfect, and how great the grace and strength You have given me is. I beg You, Oh God, to help me keep from being bitter about my condition. That I don’t let it destroy my spirit, or let me forget the love You have for me. Love so great that You were willing to sacrifice you only begotten Son for my sake. Please let my pain be to Your glory and the glory of Your Son, Jesus. And lastly, Oh God, let me not lose faith in my importance to You and the calling you have implanted in my heart. Let me always remember that if my purpose on Earth required that I be able to run and jump I would be able to do that because You do not require from me what I cannot do. Lord God, hear my plea and forbid it that I should use my condition as an excuse to fail in my duty to You and my fellow man.

March 24,2005

As it absorbs into my blood, after swallowing the pills

They do battle as it starts to filter through my body

My heart slows and then races, blood pressure drops

And tears in my eyes start to surge and well

Aching muscles and joints, I start to shiver and shake

Rigours have uncontrollable effects, so cold, I feel so cold

I reach for another layer of clothes, I feel so weak; so tired

I try to sleep it off through a total body quake

Another layer of clothes, more bed clothes I struggle with

Tears I have fought now purge and pelt down my face

I feel nauseous; I resign myself to retching and vomiting

I am a prisoner from now on; I have no other choice with

My core temperature increases rapidly- I battle

between a semi-conscious and awareness state

I'm on a hospital bed now, a nurse pierces my skin

with a needle, she injects pain relief, draws blood

An intervenous drip allows fluids to drop in

A race against insanity...who will win?

I have little notion of test nor time

As I sleep unaware whether I am alive or dead

A day or two later and I start to wake from

A clouded and foggy, dream like state

Pancreatitis has once ore taken me to

The brink and back again-a vertiable time bomb

It is my enemy, not my friend

I thank God that it wasn't the end.