The Pain in Pancreas

A quote

Let us have a care not to disclose our hearts to those who shut up theirs against us.  Francis Beaumont

This is a complex situation for me...I am changing, I am learning and seeing what is really important in life...family, friends, faith, relationships.  Yet, I still need to watch my heart, for at times, I find myself more focused on people who don't seem to care than I focus on those who actually do care about me.  I expose my heart to those who probably couldn't care any less...and then I only give broken pieces to those who love me...why do I do this?  Thus the quote that I really need to learn.

"Surviving is important... Thriving is elegant."                                                                                                                       -Maya Angelou

I am surviving...although I don't know if I am thriving or not, perhaps this is something I should work But then the thought occurs to me that there is not one elegant part of me within this whole body.  Elegant.  Ummm.  I am a Mom of boys, is it even possible to be elegant around my house...I don't think so!  Definitely a word that most friends would NOT use to descibe me either. 

Currently, I am moving out!  My job is, anyway.  So I get the indescribable joy of boxing up things that of which I do not own myself, and move them into my garage, cuz somehow it was leaked that BossMan was considering a move to another company, so he was told to move out NOW, rather than mid July, when he was planning on this move.  I believe BossMan himself leaked this highly secretive information to someone who talked to managing broker, that I could bet my life on.  Anyway, BossMan is vacationing in Vail this week, and I got a call on Sunday afternoon to ask/tell me to start moving him out.  Umpphh.  I can't pick up heavy things.  I am still reeling from helping C get our old TV into the pick-up truck on Saturday*.  That little word...helped...caused my pancreas some big time problems over the weekend, and I still don't feel good, the knife is a turnin' and I am still puking.  With that said, I have to get him moved out and our new office at new real estate company will not be ready until mid July.  Translation??  I get to move him twice!!  Oh Joy of my Joy!!!  and now our office meetings will be held in the grass between our two driveways (yes, if you read back, my boss is also my neighbor and goes to my church)...but more likely in my house over the next 6 weeks.  I won't even go into why I think that is a bad idea.   The positive in all of this? (I am thinking, I am thinking.... )At least I will be at home for the most part, even when I am working...I can keep an eye on the boys better while they come and go from swim team practice.  I can embarrass my kids and walk down there to watch them practice, that will make their day!!  Oh, and for now, I still have a job (which is a positive, always!)

*Our big, (pain in the tookus, 'given-to-us,so we couldn't turn it down' eyesore, honkin' huge, never could get it to focus really well...) 60" rear projection TV screen quit.  Screen went blank and was preceeded with a high pitched constant squeal...and thus we loaded it up and took it to the ARC Thrift store. ( I NEVER liked that TV, just felt obligated since it was offered to us)  And now I have a much LARGER LIVING ROOM!!   And, incidentially, if you see a 60" rear projection TV at the ARC...you have been warned in kind...it probably doesn't work, and it isn't worth it.  Even if it is free.  REALLY.  (We did tell the ARC that the projection part of the TV may need some help)

October 24, 2005

The most important of life's battles is the one we fight daily in the silent chambers of the soul.  -David O. McKay

This is so very true...everyday it is a battle that I am weary of fighting.

JOY

The difference between shallow happiness and a deep sustaining joy is sorrow.  Happiness lives where sorrow is not.  When sorrow arrives, happiness dies.  It cannot stand pain.  Joy, on the other hand, rises from sorrow and therefore can withstand all grief.  Joy, by the grace of God, is the transfiguration of suffering into endurance, and of endurance into character and of character into hope-and the hope that has become our joy does not (as happiness must for those who depend on it) disappoint us.

-Walter Wangerin Jr.

WOW!  Okay, I want joy instead of happiness!

May 18, 2005

Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you-all of the expectations, all the beliefs-and becoming who you really are.   -Rachel Naomi Remen

Healing comes in many different forms, not just health.  I am learning that.  It is a "one-step forward, two steps back" process. For awhile there, I wasn't going forward at all, in fact, I was losing ground quickly.

I have finished another book Whispers From Yesterday by Robin Lee Hatcher.  She spoke at our Women's Retreat in 2004.  I really enjoyed the book, as I finished the book in less than 48 hours.  I really connected to the main character...she had lost everything, and even attempted suicide.  Her story of feeling worthless in every sense of the word and her struggle with finding herself and accepting God's love and then learning to accept others love was something I needed to read right then.  Does God value me as much as others?  I struggle with this.  I am broken and hurting, how could God value me?  What do I have to offer God or anybody?  I am searching for answers, searching for my identity with pain.

-Suzi

OLD!?

Age is a quality of mind (so is being blonde...is that quality?)

If you have left your dreams behind,  (I have all but given up my dreams for fixing the pain)

If hope is cold (well, my fingers and toes are ALWAYS cold)

If you no longer look ahead (I no longer plan ahead, as I never know how I am going to feel)

If your ambition's fires are dead (I guess they are, I don't have a lot of ambition other than trying to figure what I can do to stop the pain)

Then you are old.  (yep, it is what I feared!! I am a 34 year old woman trapped in a 95 year old body!!)

-Author Unknown. 

Thinking

I found this quote...and it really got to me.

There is no greater burden, than to hope in vain...

Ouch...do I hope in vain?  At times I think I do...I hope, pray, beg for something to take away the horrible pain forever.  An unrealized hope is a huge burden to bear...at least it is for me.

-Suzi

April 4, 2005

Exercise is a dirty word.  Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.      -Charles M. Schultz

Chocolate...as in M & M's!!!!  Have any of you who read this ever tried the Hershey's Kisses with Carmel??  Those are a sin!!  I can't even buy a bag of those, for I will eat the WHOLE bag in less than an hour!!  (Un)Fortunately I can't buy a single serving of Hershey's Carmel Kisses like I can M & M's (I do that in an effort to control the chocolate consumtion)  which of course DOES NOT WORK!!

Suzi

March 10, 2005

There are those who clutch to resentment like it were a treasure of great worth.  This is foolishness.  The question to be asked is not how badly we were wronged, but what are we profitted by our unforgiveness?  -Richard Paul Evans

Ouch!  How many times did I think I was in the right and I needed to hear an apology or a confession that they were wrong...how many times did I let resentment build and ruin or nearly ruin a friendship?  More than I care to count, I am ashamed to say.  I can honestly say that I have never regretted being the first to say "I am sorry", or "let's talk this out".  More times than not, it was a HUGE monster to me, and the other didn't even know it existed.  I am really working on some heart matters, aren't I?

Suzi

March 6, 2005

When a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him/her by asking if there is anything you can do.  Think up something appropriate and just do it!  -Edgar Watson Howe

So many times, I always say..."if there is anything I can do..."  but seldom do people take me up on the offer...I find it way more effective and appreciated to find something to do and do it.  I usually get this look when I offer to help..they look at me like there is no way in the world they want my help because I am hurting or even worse off than they are...little do they know that when I do something, help someone, when I am asked to help out, I get more healing out of that than any pill I could ever take.  Of course, as I am reading this, I suppose I should heed my own advice.  I usually turn people away, thinking that I can handle it myself...perhaps they get healing from helping me too?  ummm...thoughts to ponder!

Suzi